The Gift

I am not an artist, I am not a writer.  I am just a mom going through a different avenue than the biological means to get there and along the way started blogging to deal with the roller coaster ride we are on.  But along the way, I have been given many gifts, so I am going to attempt to divulge these overwhelming feelings that I am experiencing.

There is the obvious gifts of our sons.  This is by far one of the most amazing gifts.  Our boys will bless us ten times over what we could ever do for them.  I hear often that they are so lucky, so fortunate, to have us as parents, for the opportunities they will have, and to come to America.  While so many think that might be lucky, I disagree.  It was through unfortunate circumstances that we get to become parents.  I really wish there was no need for adoption.  I truly wish our boys were in a happy, loving, sustainable home with their biological parents.  Unfortunately, that isn't the case.

As much as I want to be a mom, my heart is breaking for them.  They have been through so much and their world is about to turn upside down.  I only pray that God has prepared Nick, S, D, and I for each other.  I am not naive.  I know that we will have melt downs, tantrums, grief, loss.  I just pray that we are equipped to deal with their past.  These boys have lost one set of parents.  I pray they know that they won't loose us.  We are here to stay through the good and the bad.  They are a gift.

Through this process, I have learned God's love much more thoroughly.   I see how much God's heart breaks for children.  My goodness.  They are helpless much of the time.  They are often looked at as belongings, an inconvenience, or nuisance.  I recently finished a great book.  It is written by the CEO of Compassion International.  It is Too Small to Ignore.  He writes about how all of the worst crimes or actions are saved for children.  Rape.. rape of a child.  Abuse... Child abuse.  Trafficking... Child trafficking.  See what he means.  These children do not often have a voice.  My heart breaks.  This is a wonderful gift.  I want to be miserable for them.

Becoming a parent to a child you have not met, birthed, touched... is truly teaching me the meaning of unconditional love, that agape love that God so perfectly displays.  When Nick and I started dating, there was of course the sparks, fireworks etc.  Then we got married.  The sparks seemed to intensify as we learned about each other even deeper.  After almost six years of marriage the sparks are definitely there.  I thought our love was unconditional.  But realistically it isn't.  We work to stay in love.  And there are conditions.  We promised to love, respect, trust, and be honest to each other.  I know that Nick would never cheat on me.  But if he did I don't think I could say "I love you unconditionally".  It's amazing if you can.  I just don't know if I could ever get past that.  There are definitely conditions.  Follow them and of course I will love you always.

However...  I don't think there is one thing that would ever betray my love for these boys.  I know there will be times where I might think that we were crazy for starting this journey, times of disappointment, shock, sadness.  But I know I would never turn my back on them.  I also know that being a parent means making difficult choices, that might hurt, but in the end will benefit them.  I will always love them.  More than I do today.  That is a gift.

This process has really given me some insight to God's love.  And I am sure that our human hearts, brains, souls can truly only love a minute fraction of what God is capable.  And if God's love for me is similar to the love I feel for S and D multiplied an infinitesimal amount, I feel peace.  No parent is going to  knowingly let their child perish without doing everything possible to redirect them.  So this journey may have been God's way of making difficult, painful, uncomfortable decisions for us to make us understand his love.  And that is the Greatest gift of all.