Worry

Today I was told by three different people not to worry about our adoption. Know that it is all in God's Hands and not to be anxious about it. This is highly offensive. I know it is in God's hands. I know God controls all things. But bad things still happen. As any parent worries about their children; so do I. I know I have not met my children yet, but if anyone else's children were in a third world country with no idea of how they are, where they are, what they are doing etc. they would WORRY too!

I have been made to feel like a bad believer because I am worried for my children. Am I wrong to worry about the safety, health, well being of my children because I haven't met them yet? I am sorry but I don't think I have any less faith because I worry about them. What I don't worry about, is how we are going to handle any issues that come our way because of their time in orphanages, attachment issues, psychological health. I know that God will lead the way and show us the path to the right therapists, doctors, and parenting skills. I trust in the Lord with all of my mind, heart and soul. If I didn't, I would have given up a LONG time ago. But yes, I am constantly worried for them. I HATE this time. It's miserable. It is the worst feeling ever. I know very few people can relate or understand. I know my love for my children will grow so much more once we are together; but the love I have right now is stronger than any other love I have ever had for a person. So to be separated from your children because of bureaucracy is torture.

I feel like crying on most days. Every time I see children our boys' age leads me to agony. Yesterday we were riding the train to the beach. It was Nick's first train ride :). In the seat behind us was the cutest little boy. His hair was about the same length as little D's (in his latest picture) He was the exact same age. I almost cried as I watched him play, talk to his mom, and then ask to sit on her lap. My heart ached for the moment when I will be able to play, talk with and comfort our sons. Every day is one more day of their childhood that we are missing. One more day that they are a number, statistic, dare I say orphan. I am sick of this. Why should they remain orphans for so long after we said yes? In fact I believe we cried yes. God said yes. Yes this will be your family. Please continue to pray for a court date soon.

Heavenly Father,

I know my ways are not your ways. I know my understanding is not as yours is. I thank you and praise you for all that you have done. For no other could form such a beautiful life. No other could coordinate such a spectacular world. I thank you for your mercy and grace for I know I am not deserving. Lord, I ask that you protect Little D and Big S. Keep them safe and brave. I ask that you surround them with your angels. Place them in the hands your workers. I ask that soften the hearts of the officials in Ethiopia and you move the court process quickly. I know you know the pain of a parent, Lord. I pray that you grant Nick and I peace as we continue to wait. I ask that you continue to send love and support through our brothers and sisters in you. I ask all these things in your name,

Amen