Failure before Officially Starting

Is it possible to fail your children before you ever meet them? A mother is supposed to protect her children. Yet I can't do a darn thing. In the last two weeks, I have looked at every option available to expedite, advocate, and educate myself with this adoption. These are my children, whether it is recognized legally or not, and I am willing to do whatever I can to get them home where I know they are safe. Unfortunately, there isn't much. I have already failed them. So in the meantime, I am trying to stay sane so I am not a complete basket case by the time they finally come home to us.

Many people, trying to be supportive, have said "it's all in God's perfect timing." Well, I don't think so. God's perfect timing doesn't include parents dying and children being orphaned. That sounds a hell of a lot more like Satan's perfect timing. Satan has worked his way so far into the bureaucracy of adoption it is unreal. I know God will get us through. It will be perfect timing when it really does happen, but it would have been perfect timing six months ago, a year ago, three years ago. It's going to be perfect because it will actually be happening. Another thing we have heard often is "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Again this is wrong. God is giving us more than we can handle on our own. I know the only way I am still functioning is because I know that God has his arms around us. We may be falling but God will be there to catch us before we disappear. I think God allows really bad things to happen to draw us nearer to him.

No one ever said it was going to be easy because we have faith, our salvation, the grace from the creator himself. In fact, I truly believe the tighter you get with God, the closer your walk, the stronger your faith, the more Satan throws at you. It's like putting a big target on your back. Well Satan is working his magic. There are a multitude of emotions that have gone through this family lately.

All I have to say is bug off. Go pick on someone else. These are our children and we will wait until they are adults if we have to. My God is stronger than you. He is stronger than me. He is stronger than the courts and the governments. My God is perfect. And He will deliver us from evil. So go rear your ugly head somewhere else. Because our faith is actually stronger. Our marriage is better. And we are ready to fight back. Our journey has been difficult but we just get stronger each day. I might have failed today, but one day we will succeed at this.

Looking Forward to 2010

We survived Christmas. We had a wonderfully relaxing weekend. The cabin we rented was very cute. There was a few inches of snow on the ground and we had a roaring fire the entire time. This weekend away was exactly what we needed. I could go a few hours at a time not thinking about our current situation. We watched several movies and just enjoyed each other's company. I hope you all had a beautiful Christmas.

We are looking forward to 2010 and forgetting how crummy 2009 was. This year... My parents will celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary. My brother in law will return from Afghanistan. and hopefully we will be united with our boys. So many great joys to look forward to. Forget the past and the pain and look to the joy that tomorrow might hold.

All I want for Christmas

So this is the fourth Christmas that I have asked for a family for my gift. 5 actually but the first one, we weren't officially trying, so I won't count it. Four years. I am tired of being told that we are learning patience. It's not patience. It's a lack of control. There isn't one gosh darn thing that we can do about it. (Short of kidnapping) and I am not about to go that far. This is the worst Christmas wait though. I have been thinking about the season and my attitude this week and this is what I have concluded.

Today and Tomorrow is about God's promise. For thousands of years he told of a Messiah. Tonight we celebrate the birth of the Messiah! We celebrate God's kept promise. I know God says that he will grant us the desires of our hearts. I know that he will keep his word. If there was ever a promise to break, it would have been sending Jesus to the Cross for my sins. So I am uplifted. I know God will bring us our boys. We will be parents and our children will no longer be orphans. Another of God's promises.

So God grant us peace and wisdom. Thank you for Your Son and Our Salvation. And oh yeah, Happy Birthday!!!

Staying Busy

I must admit I am doing o.k. If I am busy, I can keep it together. But if I stop or am alone for a little bit, my mind and emotions get the best of me. Today, I am going to run many errands. So this should be good for me. I have some last minute shopping to do and then I am going to plan the menu for our long weekend. I am so excited. I can't wait. It snowed all last night so it should be very pretty up there.

Yesterday my sister, who was so supportive, and I went to many stores exchanging and taking clothes back. Many of the receipts will expire soon and if the kids don't come until summer, none of the clothes would fit by next winter. It was so hard. I truly felt like some one died. I made it through all the stores without crying until I went to Osh Kosh, where I returned the first outfit that I had bought them. What a crappy situation. What a bummer. Oh well, It's just stuff right. My boys are still safe and well. Just not with us.

Please continue praying for my kids, for the adoption, for our marriage, for strength and for our faith. Thank you for every one's prayers and kind words. It means so much to us.

48 hours later

We are still confused and hurt. I have been piecing information together trying to make sense of it all. I am in no way saying this is the absolute truth, but I think I have an idea of the timeline and process in which our boys were made originally adoptable and now are not.

June- the boys were placed in the orphanage and on the waiting list with CHI

Aug- Nick and I inquired about the boys background

End of Aug.- the Ethiopian Courts closed

Sept- We accepted the referral (the paper work begins for our orphanage)

Oct.- MOWA has a week of meetings for new guidelines (This is when they changed the relinquishment rules) Then the courts re-opened

End of Oct.-Director of Orphanage passes away (most of the paper work has been completed by him along with the relinquishment from father)

Nov.- New director takes over

Beg of Dec- Paperwork is redone and he brings our boys to HOH.

Beg of Dec- They are turned away because they were missing a piece of paper from MOWA

Last Week- New director is told they are not hearing relinquishment cases

Today- Anger, grief, sadness, faith and yes fear.

The explanation as we understand it:

The MOWA is writing new guidelines or restrictions to the relinquishment policies. While they are writing the policies, the local governing branch has decided to wait for the completion of the new guidelines. The only silver lining is that our boys will still qualify regardless of the guidelines. It's not an IF we can bring them home, its when we can bring them home. So we are just waiting.

There are somethings that are very different in Ethiopia. First, you can not question government officials; you can be thrown in jail. Second, We have been told not to contact MOWA as the boys are not legally ours and we can not represent them. Third, communication between Ethiopia and us seems to be vague. (If a question has not been directly asked, then the info is not divulged.) Fourth, our agency is closed for the next two weeks so we wont know much. Fifth, there is no way for us to contact the orphanage directly.

Thank you for all the support and prayers. They are much needed. It has been very difficult. It is hard to explain the situation to people because I tend to fall apart. We are trying to stay positive. This is easier because we both know with every fiber of our body that God has set a path for these beautiful boys to be our sons. So like I said we wait. In the meantime, Nick and I are taking off for Christmas. We rented a cabin with no other cabins in sight and we are going to hunker down for the holidays. We look forward to playing games, talking, reading, cooking and watching movies together. We need to get away and relax. I have been a big ball of emotions for the last two months and this week has taken everything out of me.

Please continue to pray. Pray for our boys to be safe. Pray that they are brave. Pray that they feel loved. Pray that the Hearts of the government officials are softened and this blows over quickly. Pray that we endure the pain and learn from it. Pray that we continuously look to God for strength. (It's easy to let Satan dissuade us) Pray that Nick and I support each other. Pray for the millions of other orphans that don't have parents who are ready to sell every thing they own just to be with them.

Update

Today we had a conference call with our agency. Apparently the region where our boys are located, Asela, is no longer handling relinquished cases. The MOWA (Ministry of Women's Affairs) will not sign our paper work because they aren't doing relinquished cases. What does that mean?

That there is no way around them and we are on hold till they decide they will handle the cases. So... we were told to be patient. It might only be days, could be weeks, even months before our paperwork will be completed and we can finally get a court date in Addis.

I can't handle being patient any longer. My children are being raised in an orphanage now. They recently lost their mother and their father is in prison. That by my standards is not relinquished. There is no parent able to care for our children. So for some jacked up reason, our kids are now paying the consequence.

It looks like they may end up spending an entire year in the orphanage. It kills me. I truly feel like someone has ripped out all of my organs. The kicker is... We are the only case that is affected so I am sure there is no rush. I am happy that no one else is going through this, but why oh why did this have to be us.

I am trying to stay positive... but all I can do is cry. I am crying for myself, my husband and all of the missed opportunities we are having to bond and love, for some bureaucratic BS that no one can explain.

I am at a loss. I am taking all of their clothes back to exchange sizes because they are going to be too small already. I knew this road would be bumpy, but today we flew of the bluff. We are waiting to land and assess the damage.

WTF

12 weeks of the most Anticipation EVER!!!

Today marks twelve weeks since the official referral. Please God, let us get a court date soon.

Silver Lining

I am going to start with the Greatness of God first. Then the frustrations later. Changin' it up for once.

Okay, so this waiting has not been easy but I decided to turn my attention away from the adoption and focus back on God. It was the best way I could have ended my week, last week. On Saturday, I was able to meet with our Pastor and a couple of great people from church in Redlands. We met at a great restaurant, Martha Greens if you are in the area, for breakfast. Before we ate though, we prayed together then separated to pray for the people in Redlands. We walked around the downtown area, in the rain I might add, praying. I was able to walk with a great friend and we prayed together for people everywhere. I was able to focus on God's calling: to share God's love and word. I felt wiped clean and renewed. Awesome. Then we ate, a delicious warm breakfast, and talked. It was a God filled morning.

Then today, I was having a difficult day with two boys in my class. They can not stop arguing. The day ended with a suspension. While I was having a conference with his mom, my wonderful coworkers prepared the library for a surprise shower for our kiddos. I came in to the library with my principal and there was the cutest cake. On one side was the US and the other was Africa. In the middle was a plane. (I forgot to take a picture before it was almost gone.) I was completely surprised. Everyone was there and no one spilled the beans. Almost, but I was clueless. I work with the best people. The five members of my grade level are great friends. I am truly blessed. Not very many people can say that they would choose the coworkers to be close friends even if they didn't work together. So Again, I am blessed.

On to the Crappy week and a half.

1. Last Tuesday I was run into by a woman who thought it was wise to drive with her window completely covered in ice. She thought she new the road well enough to drive blind.

2. Worked a whole lot on my days off.

3. Caught a really sore throat. Cough, fever, the whole gamut.

4. Was told by our agency that the reason we are still waiting, is that there isn't a high priority from the orphanage to bring the boys and paperwork to the capital because it takes all day to do it and they are waiting until there is more business to conduct. So now, they decide to be more efficient.

5. Lady that hit my car seems to be lying about actually having car insurance. There is no record of her with her insurance agency. Great!

6. My school district screwed up the amount being taken out of my paycheck and they want to take two thousand dollars out now this month to make it up. I inquired twice to make sure it was correct and was assured it was.

7. I spilled a pot of soup on my legs. It was scalding and I blistered my legs and ruined my favorite jeans.

So after listing the bad week I had; I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought. The car can be fixed. Everyone was safe. Working on my days off is helping offset the cost of travel. The sore throat only lasted 4 days. We have uninsured motorist insurance. We booked a wedding which is about the amount of the money we owe the school district. And my legs will heal soon, I hope. So there is always a silver lining. Sometimes you just really have to search for it.

Let's pray for Good news about our boys soon. Tell everyone you know to pray.

What I deserve?

This was my scripture of the day...

Does God treat you the way you deserve?

Praise the Lord, I tell myself; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, I tell myself, and never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He ransoms me from death and surrounds me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle's! The Lord gives righteousness and justice to all who are treated unfairly. He revealed his character to Moses and his deeds to the people of Israel. The Lord is merciful and gracious; he is slow to anger and full of unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. He has not punished us for all our sins, nor does he deal with us as we desire. For his unfailing love toward those who love him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our rebellious acts as far away from us as the east is from the west.

Psalm 103:1-12 NLT

What did I learn today? Stop whining and start praising. Because I should be thankful!!!

Thank you Lord, for you are the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Thank you for becoming the least of these. Thank you for being just. Thank you for your word. Thank you that I have been given the opportunity to know, love and worship you. Thank you for your forgiveness. Thank you for the daily blessings, of food, a warm home, clothing, a great job, a loving family, the freedom to worship you. Thank you for the men and women fighting for that freedom. Thank the people you sent before us to fight for you, Lord. Thank you for the people you have sent today to fight for you Lord. Thank you for all you have done, and continue to do. Thank you for my sons, Lord. I know your plan is bigger, better and different from mine, Lord. Please help me not to be so self serving that I do not learn from this journey. I trust you Lord with my heart, mind, and soul. I give up my worries to you because you are my God. Please forgive me for my sins.

Amen

Cookies and Babies

Tonight we are going to decorate sugar cookies in with our Bible study. The people in our Bible Study are more than that. They are family. Both Nick and I are blessed to have the greatest families. Our parents are very supportive, loving, caring and we have a lot of fun when we get together. So we feel all the more blessed to have this extended family through Christ.

These people have seen us through our high times and our low. God has truly put this group together to help us through life. Each person brings their unique gifts and love. I can say I have cried with these people more than any others. There have been tears of joy, pain, loss, sympathy, anger, laughter, and fear. I have never felt judged. Only love. We all come with our silly quirks, but everyone is accepted for who they are.

So tonight, we make cookies. These cookie decorating parties are really a psychological evaluation to each person's soul. We have the perfectionist, the bedazzler, the Arts and Crafty person, the momma, the abstractist and the eater of the cookies (me). It is really funny to see the final productsw. Some look like Martha Stewart's Masterpieces and some look decorated by someone's toes. But the best part is that they all taste delicious.

And this afternoon I am fortunate enough to take pictures of our neighbors 6 day old baby boy. I am so excited. Babies are only newborns for a few days. So to be able to capture this is truly special. Well I am off to a day full of blessings. Maybe we will hear some good news today. Here's to praying.

Ready and Waitng

I was not created to wait. I do everything quickly. I am a problem solver. I am a go getter. If there is an end then I will find a way to get there. However, starting a family has been nothing but a waiting game. While we were trying to get pregnant, you waited through your cycle. Looking for the signs of ovulation and then waiting for the dreaded "time of the month" only to be crampy and bloated. Then the waiting would start all over.

Then we went to a doctor. We took lots of test and alas... more waiting. Waiting for results, consultations, recommendations, and then the bill to it all. We decided that was not the route for us. So we then started researching adoption agencies. We finally decided on CHI and applied. Low and behold we had to wait again. I had to turn 25 before they would accept us. It was only a few weeks away but it was more waiting.

Then we finally got all of the paper work done, got it turned in and some of it was older than 6 months and had to be done again. So round two was finally finished and the turned in our gigantic Dossier to our agency. We were actually on the official waiting list, which was supposed to be 4-6 months. Well ten months later, we were still waiting and and that was when we first laid eyes on our beautiful sons. Unfortunately someone else saw them that same day and requested their information. So I felt it was a sign and that we were meant to continue waiting until our family was ready.

A month later our sons were back on the list and we prayed. This was the first time I didn't mind waiting. I knew God was working and talking to us. Every time I opened the Bible there was more scripture that pointed the direction we were meant to go. Two weeks later we knew without a shadow of a doubt that these boys were meant to be ours.

We accepted the referral only to be told there was more waiting. We would wait on our social worker, and then the agency to have some of our paperwork changed over. Another 3 weeks passed and we officially accepted the referral. The next set of wait time was 3-4 months. This was to be until we were able to actually pick up our kiddos. Well BS. It will be longer. There has been one unforeseen delay after another. Every time we talk with our case worker she is "confident I will have good news for you soon." Well I guess soon is relative. I want good news like five weeks ago. It has now been 10 1/2 weeks and I am sick of waiting. We are the last to get a court date. The only kids not moved to the HOH. Our boys are getting older every day! The time is now. We have waited, we have been patient, we have been kind.

It is time for some people to get the lead out of somewhere and get the paperwork done. We are done waiting. The boys have got to be done waiting. IT IS TIME!!! So please pray for good news soon. Even if it's just that they were moved. There is another family traveling in less than 10 days and it would be great if we could get some updated pictures. It would make it feel real. Right now it feels like we are being duped. I know we aren't, but despair is seeking in.

We keep seeing others get court dates, and we are excited for them we really are, but it is frustrating to be passed up. If you are still reading my complaints... thank you. If not I understand. There has been a lot of grumbling lately. I guess I was created to wait after all, whether I like it or not. Somethings are not in my hands. Nothing is really.

Fundraising

For the first time we are trying our knack at Fundraising for the adoption. We felt like there were better needs that could be met other than our adoption. Like funding the actual orphanages. However, we didn't factor in the price of two one way tickets back. The kids are old enough that there is no reduction. And in all the research we have done so far, the one way tickets are close to the same price as the round trip. Scary!!! For Nick and I to fly round trip it's about 1900 and for the kids to go one way, it's about 1500, so we are looking at 7000 just to travel. That's not including a place to stay, food to eat, and excursions. Aye Yaye Yaye!

So we are doing Holiday photos that go purely to the adoption. If you know anyone that lives in So Cal, we are taking family portraits for a very low fee. I am also doing Boudoir photos for any ladies that are stumped on presents to give their man this year. The photos are very tactful and only accentuate your beauty. Once women start they have a lot of fun. And their hubbies enjoy the final product as well. If you know anyone who would be interested, send them our email its Unforgettableportraits@gmail.com.

So far we have raised about $600 dollars. Thank you active participants. We love you dearly. Yeah, we are chipping away at the travel costs. The prospect of having to start family life in debt is going away. Wahoo!!!

New Moon--Team Jacob

So tonight my Twilight friends and I finally got to see New Moon. I read these books on Christmas Break one year. I could not put them down and went through some separation anxiety when I finished the series. I felt like I lost a few friends when I was done. I know that this is like 17 year old romance but it's so much more.

The interactions and emotions of the book are described so well that your body actually aches for Bella. This was not captured in the first movie. I know it was a low budget film and all but there was some major let down and did not live up to the book.

New Moon however, improved 150%. The desperation of Bella was still not on target; but I think they didn't want people getting depressed for 2 hours. The actors have matured some and the effects were actually good. I am glad Victoria had fiery red hair in this film as opposed to the strawberry blond she was in the first film.

I must say the entire time I read this series, I was pulling for Jacob. He is the fun light hearted not all full of turmoil guy. I love how the relationship ends though. Very Clever Stephanie Meyer!!! I am so excited that the second flick rose to the occasion because the books were so good. Thank you Hollywood.

And on the adoption front, we heard some news today, not sure if it was good or bad news but our agency didn't know that the boys father had not yet relinquished his rights until this week. They did not tell us this till now? Ten weeks later? But the good news is that he did relinquish his rights and they can get moving on the paper work. So yeah!!! There was a reason for the hold up after all. It's just that no one knew why. So hopefully not that hoop has been jumped through we can hear some good news. Please keep praying for us, our boys, and all the orphans throughout the world.