Back to Work

Today I went back to work. There are so many emotions that ran through me today, I am quite exhausted. I left before the boys were awake. I don't know what would have been harder. I watched them sleep for a good 15 minutes before I left. I am fortunate because my mom and dad were here to be with them for the day. My mom will watch them on Thursdays for me. It's awesome and difficult at the same time. Grandma's are supposed to be fun. And our boys hit the grandma lotto. They have three loving fun grandma's. But the dialema is in the transitioning into a life in America.

Last night I laid awake wondering if my returning to work will hindering the bonding and schedule/rules we have worked on for the last eight weeks. It's been difficult setting limits. It's not fun to be the bearer of bad news when it's time to turn off the tv/video games/ computer; but there definitely need to be time limits for kids. I wondered if the boys will feel a stronger connection with my family during this time. I wondered if they would be scared; God forbid. I wondered if they would notice/ care. It sucks. I want them to be with me. I don't want to work I have to work. Insert groan.

I thought about them all day. When I finally saw their faces this afternoon the same joy that hit me at the transition home overwhelmed me all over. I love them so much.

So then I found out about their day. My dad told me that they were very comfortable and didn't seem to worry at all. Is this good? I would be lying if I didn't feel a tinge of pain that they didn't cry while I was gone. But I was happy they weren't scared. So I have questions. Is this helping or hurting attachment? And then the kicker happened. Dawit called Grandma, Mom. He hadn't done this in a while (like 5 weeks). I know it's small, but it was like a punch in the gut. We regressed.

I am so happy they had fun, were comfortable, and were LOVED today, but this is way harder than I thought. It's such a slippery tightrope we walk between bonding and reality of the outside world. I know there are many adoption mama's are out here, what have your experiences been?